Tuesday, June 29, 2004

I received this email from a colleague of mine. Its pretty cool..
When is it time to say goodbye?

It's time to say goodbye when you walk into a room, and memory starts
assualting you with her nastiness and obstinacy. When you pick up her mug
left on the table this morning, from which she drank before dashing out of
the house to her work, you feel disgusted and filthy, as though you were
violated by her act, your hand had been physically raped by her fingers;
your mind by her thoughts.

Secretly, you yearn for her disappearance. You wish she would not be at
home tonight so that you could have a room all to yourself to think,
contemplate and act. You want to pack your bags and move out of the house,
leaving your memory tightly sealed in the room where both of you share your
lives. You pull out a drawer, and carefully examine the contents within the
space. You find nothing could trigger a fonder memory of her. You can only
cry. You cannot stop your tears; you cannot control the impulse to slap
her. So, you whisper to yourself that you are no longer under her mercy.

And, you want to get on with your life, alone, without any undesired
interruptions from an outsider, whose presence before this has always been
inconsequential.

In one minute, if these thoughts, like a steady stream of river, run
through your mind, perhaps, just perhaps, it's time to say goodbye.

Saying good needs a lot of courage. It has never been easy to anyone, no
matter how strong the person is. But, why can't we say the word calmly and
bravely? We must always believe that a better person is waiting for us. It
may take a long time before you arrive at your final destination, but your
arrival has been planned nonetheless.

Even if we are lost, and can never meet our destiny, at least we have
ourselves to celebrate. We are young, and we are still strong. We have a
career that pays us enough to survive. We have a group of friends who will
always be there for us, when we need them.

Goodbye can be a hard word to say, but it is also the key to a new door.
Saying goodbye shows us a landscape that we thought we would never see. The
word makes us mobile. After uttering the word, you will realise that you
can fly again, up in the air, taking in the panoramic view, as though you
were once again picked up by a stork, which was on its way to drop you at
some place new.

We are lucky.



Jessica WhIsPeReD OuT @ 7:43 pm


-ThE EnD-

These few days I have been sleeping so little and late. Its like 430am everyday and wake up at 1 something in the afternoon. These days I've been alone much, even though there are 4 people in the house. 2 of them are always together and one well is basically in his room all day. So basically, I'm in my room all day too, which is quite a bad thing considering that my thoughts can run wild in this room. I need to get out more, need to breathe in more of this cold winter fresh air. At night, it really gets cold, like the coldest that I've been through so far was -4degrees. Last week, while there was alot on my mind, I started going for late night walks. It was really cool with all the smoke that comes out from my mouth and all. Anyway, I think I'm used to being alone already. When I was back in Singapore, I used to really rely on people. I could always bank on my family to be there for me, or friends when I go out with them. Even in school, there seems to be never a moment where I could be alone because I'm a people people person. I must have people around me. But I think that these has all changed within the course of these 4 months. I was heavily reliant on my housemates before this. I get paranoid whenever people are talking and I'm not there. I was in a state of depression once while I was here. I thought that oh man, the whole world hates me, i'm back to being I was in secondary school. I never had any friendship problems up to JC2 but now at the age of 20 I've problems with making friends. Its not easy to make friends with people from my class because we change people from class to class. It was probably easier to make friends at home but then again couply things happen and my roommate is whisked off elsewhere. Then I think man, I might as well get used to being alone this holidays. And I have, really gotten used to it. I'll be going out alone to Indooroopilly tomorrow to have a look at stuff. Basically I think I need time alone in the fresh air and stuff. I mean I've been alone at home and stuff but I have never gone out alone in Brisbane alone before. Tomorrow will be my first time but what the heck, how dangerous can it be? Anyway, Andrew's mum and girlfriend will be leaving tomorrow so I'll be meeting Nicole and Colin in the city after my Indooroopilly shopping and after their rendevous in the city, we'll meet and send his mum and girlfriend to the airport. Yup, that's my agenda for tomorrow. I'm going on a shopping trip on my own.


Jessica WhIsPeReD OuT @ 2:57 pm


-ThE EnD-

Monday, June 28, 2004

Today is Sunday 27th June 2004. I have not stepped out of the house in awhile. Honestly just probably 5 hours ago? When I went out to return the DVD. But still the day still feels so lethargic, extremely. Anyway, remember how I was saying that I was supposed to go see a football game in a hotel? Well, didnt work out that way. Miscommunication, so like in the end we didnt manage to book the hotel. I have been watching movies like non-stop. Yesterday night, watched Remember the Titans. Good show. Also watched The Sweetest Thing. That was damn funny. Good for girls to watch. Also watched Gladiator today. Good show too! So anyway, I'm just watching all the shows that I've always wanted to watch but didnt have the time to. Its pretty cool. Been a lazy weekend.
Was just the 3 of us for dinner today. Nicole, me and Issac. So we chilled and played PS2. Thank goodness James left his machine here, or else we'll be utterly bored with everyone gone. Sigh.. so that's my sad weekend. Its a quiet one. Havent had a quiet one in awhile. Good to have one of these some times. Good for thinking my stuff through.



Jessica WhIsPeReD OuT @ 12:37 am


-ThE EnD-

Friday, June 25, 2004

I'm back from the city. Actually quite some time ago already. I'm just in a crappy mood today. No idea why though since yesterday was the first time I went out in a long while. Its been awhile since I actually walked out of my house without commitments. Its a confused feeling though. One side, I am feeling happy because exams are over, on the other side, I'm just thinking time passes me by so fast. Faster than I can ever imagine cause its already the winter holidays. 4 months have passed, 4 months I have been on my own here. 4 months.. Not a long time, but long enough. I was doing alot of self-reflection yesterday on the trip on the train on how I have become these 4 months. Think that alot has happened in these period of time. Made me probably more aware of alot of things that are happening around me. Made me less ignorant. Made me appreciate alot more that I had before I came. I have been a spoilt, immature and take alot of things for granted. I was a materialistic girl and wanted alot of things and will do anything to get my way. Coming here made me wake up from my sleepy fairyland that my parents cannot be here for me all my life. Coming here made me realise that money do not grow on trees and I cant have everything that I want. Coming here made appreciate tiny gestures that touched my heart. Coming here opened a wounded heart once more. Coming here made me stronger. Coming here will probably be the best years of my life.
Anyway, enough of self-reflection. Havent done that in a while though, just thought it would be nice to think about my life. Honestly, when my housemates talk about things that they want to learn, I dont have a clue what I want to do in my life. Its really a sad sad thing. I dont have any concrete plans, I'm just moving along with the flow and see what happens to me. Think that is a very bad thing. Will make some plans for myself soon. For my life. Anyway, deviating from self-reflection again, yesterday was just a day of walking in the city. Havent done walking around in awhile and like without committments. That feeling is simply marvellous. So anyway, city's having like sale and stuff but didnt get anything. We promised that we would buy something for ourselves after the exams as a reward for ourselves. So its pretty cool.. I'm still deciding what to buy for myself. Nothing really fancy really caught my eye except that I know I want to buy a duck down and a pair of ug boots. But those are things that I need, not something that I like. So anyway, walked around abit more, met up with our other housemates to have dinner at this Thai restaurant. I ate Thai fried rice, it was great though and oh we watched Shrek 2 as well. Pretty funny movie and nice as well. Oh the whole I think I had a pretty good night though I was pretty tired. Sigh, life's just unpredictable.
This entry is pretty crappy, I'm just typing whatever that comes to mind and hope that it makes sense. Oh and I'll be pretty alone these few days. Tomorrow we are going to watch the Euro 2004 game for France and Greece in a hotel that my housemate booked. Coming back on Sunday. That's the plans for the weekend but from monday to wednesday there's no one around with me. Most of them are leaving and only coming back on wednesday night. And my roommate is probably going to spend time with another housemate of mine anyway, so there goes my company. Luckily, borrowed some books from the library. Oh you guys know what? There's no limit on the number we can borrow on our library card and the length of the borrow time is like 4 weeks. That's heaps longer than Singapore. I guess 1 good thing came out of it then. Ah anyway, I'm sure half of what I'm writing do not make sense so I'll just shut up and stop typing. Cya guys..


Jessica WhIsPeReD OuT @ 6:24 pm


-ThE EnD-

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Heylo people.. I have decided to abandon my previous blog for once and for all and start on this new one. Start on a clean slate as my holidays begin. Today is my last paper for my exams and I think that I didnt do very well for that as now, coming out of the exam hall, I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what I wrote in my paper. Just wrote and wrote and wrote. Think I might fail that course, seriously and honestly but well, all I can do is hope for the best right now and hope that by some miracle, I'll be able to get 21/50 to pass my exam. I skipped 2 questions as I have no time to write for that question and that's 13 marks off. So to pass, I need to only minus 17 out of 38. As if I could so I'm really prepared to re-do this course next year or hopefully by somehow I'll be able to pass my term GPA mark. It was totally crap but anyway, now its holidays so I hope to be able to but hearing people around me to discuss about their answers, I think my answers are all wrong? But what the heck. Its over, not really till the results are out but still. ARGH..
Alrighty now, back to being calm and composed. Yesterday I was thinking alot about my 4 months here. Of cause reading Jing's blog make me think about my 4 months here. Honestly, 4 months just flew us by. We were talking about how we arrived 4 months ago in this country still not knowing each other and afraid about crossing each other's boundaries. In this 4 months, I think I've fostered really good relationships with my housemates. Even the Aussies, well there are only 3 of them here but well, they are like part of us now. I am learning new terms from them and they are learning new terms from us. Its pretty cool actually. 4 months- What have I done? Before I came over here, I went through hell from harrassment. Most people know, dont have the heart to write more about that matter. But since I came, I've not really healed from those scars. I dont dare to like anyone because of what happened to me and liking someone seems wrong. I dont dare to like someone because I'm afraid that he will not be able to accept my past. It takes a 'brave' person to anyway, I'm not exactly the best person around here but now that I think I like someone, I think it wont work out. I'm simply paranoid as usual. I've gone through my fair share of hell here with my plagirism cases and all. Gone through thick and thin with my housemates, really trust them now. Glad to have come here. 4 months ago, it was summer. 4 months later its winter now. I've gone through 3 seasons (sort of) and its amazing how your body adapts to it. How we adapt to it really with our daily life. How we accommodate to other people's faults and thankful that they accommodate to mine. 4 months is not a long time but 4 months is somehow a long time as well. I dont know whether what I'm saying is making sense but I just wanna like be thankful for my 4 months here. I really think that I've learnt alot from these 4 months.
Anyway, plans for the holidays arent reall fixed but this weekend I'm going up to the coast with my housemate's mum and gf and the house and stuff. So well, that's this weekend. Love you all people, for being there for me for supporting me these 4 months. Really appreciate it.
*muah*


Jessica WhIsPeReD OuT @ 5:13 pm


-ThE EnD-